In a world of near instant sharing and completely instant judgement, many of us are getting social media wrong, or having our feeds plagued by those making the errors. So stop, take a deep breath, put down your phone, and pause for a second. Make sure you’re not falling foul of these social media faux pas before pressing ‘Share’.
1. Selfishly selfie obsessed
We get it, you love yourself. We used to like you too. Not any more. Please stop spamming our Facebook feeds with endless trout-pout selfies and mirror shots. The world doesn’t need to see your gurning mug every 18 minutes. We can live without it. Really. And so can the 1,042 followers you’ve somehow accrued.
2. What a total hashtagger
There’s nothing wrong with hashtags. When they’re used correctly, and in moderation, that is. Just don’t overdo it, yeah. We get it, you want as broad a reach as possible for your inane chatter, but you’re just winding everyone up #getit? #toomuch #juststop #wewilldeleteyou #overhashtagging #socialmediafail #Ihateyou #howtouseahashtag #whatahashtagger #susanalbumparty.
3. No one likes an over-‘Liker’
Bing! It’s been just 6.2 seconds since you uploaded that latest photo and it’s already got a ‘Like’. No, you’re not #Winning or breaking the internet, that’s just Jim. Everyone knows a Jim, the overly affectionate, ever-present social prowler who ‘Likes’ anything and everything posted by anyone and everyone. It’s not reaffirming, Jim, it’s just creepy.
4. Over-sharing is way worse than not sharing enough
As social media grows and sharing becomes easier, social boundaries seem to have taken a nosedive. Please though, think before you post. And for god’s sake, have a bit of shame. We don’t need to see pics of your dog’s post-op shaven bits or know your partner let out a little parp while you guys were going at it last night. Facebook is not therapy. Some things are best saved for Tinder.
5. Remember, people aren’t as interested in your kid as you are
Congratulations, you pushed a person out of yourself 18 months ago. We’re pleased for you, we really are, but the 17 thousand photos you’ve uploaded of the cute little bugger since are just a little too much. We see less of our own family than yours. Give it a break and their over sized baby eyes a rest from your iPhone‘s flash.
6. Joggers can jog on
Well done, you’ve completed your first 5K in 42 minutes after 16 weeks of training. Now please shut up. Your endless updates are making me feel bad for taking my McDonald‘s drive through back to bed with me. Just jog on. Quietly though, yeah.
7. Timeless time travel is not the future
‘OMG! I can’t believe how drunk we got that night! Eeek!’ Being forced into awareness that you had an “epic” night out once is bad enough. Stop trying to make us relive it again 4 years later. Please. It makes us question how we’ve stayed friends – even online friends – for so long.
8. It’s Facebook, not Bragbook
You met Lionel Messi, amazing! You met him in a private box at Barcelona vs Real Madrid, wow, I’m really pleased for you. You got the tickets free through your amazing job and went with your super hot boss who gives you extra days off, alright get bent, we get it, your life is amazing, ours are crap, just leave off.
9. There’s nothing inspiring about inspirational quotes
Sometimes things are crap and we’ve just got to deal with it. Your endless stream of faux-positive inspirational quotes really aren’t helping us forget what we’ve lost and focus on what we still have. We just want to wallow in our misery without your unwavering positivity tiring us out further. The only thing you’re inspiring is us hiding or deleting you.
10. Just stop talking
It’s not essential to have an opinion on everything. Especially when you’re not as clued up as you’d like to think. Your bumbling efforts to explain the latest Middle East peace treaty and the impact changing exchange rates will have on the Canadian oil industry aren’t needed.